Category Archives: Beer Douche

You might be a beer douche if… (Volume 4)

Donkey Drinking Beer

A Jackass Drinking a Beer – A.K.A. Taste Nazi

Prior Volumes:
* Volume 1
* Volume 2
* Volume 3

Introduction
What do we mean by beer-douche? The “BD” is any person (male or female) who turn-off would-be craft beer fans with their attitude and actions. By studying this creature in his/her habitat we hope to learn how to avoid becoming the beer-douche, which will only help in opening up the craft brew world to the masses. Many of us, myself included, carry douchey traits; please do not be offended if one or two of the comments in this series ring true for you. Please do feel offended (and ashamed) if these posts completely describe you.

Trait: The Taste Nazi
In our final installment, we’ll investigate the last major indicator of beer-doucheness: superior taste buds. This goes way beyond being a super-taster though. The BD’s tongue is THE authority on beer. If you argue with the BD’s opinion of a beer, you will be ridiculed. His favorite beer is the best beer on the entire planet; your favorite beer can’t compete. When he isn’t ensuring that you know all about his favorite beer, he’ll be ranting about the beer he hates the most. God save you if you enjoy the beer he speaks of.

The beer douche drinks mostly exotic beers: cask aged, imperial, incredibly pungent, extreme, cork-topped, sours from an Abbey in Europe that you’ve never heard of. He sits in a corner with a notebook, taking secret notes about this beer.

The guy gets a kick out of ordering a bottle of the aforementioned beer, offering it to newbies to the craft beer scene, and then watching their face contort upon tasting. When the newbie begins to heave, the BD mocks them for not liking good beer and tells them to go back to the light stuff.

Many beer douches hate specific styles of beer (e.g. lager). On the flip-side of the coin, if you voice displeasure in another style (e.g. IPA), the same BD will tell you that you’re a fool for not liking said style.

The BD HATES macro breweries. It doesn’t matter what new beer the company is trying out…they are all crap. That’s alright though…the BD wouldn’t be caught dead drinking a six pack of Bud or Coors light with a buddy. In fact, you won’t find a BD having a six pack period. A connesuir of fine beverage should not have more than one beer in a sitting.

More than anything, a beer douche can be identified as the person who believes that beer is the meaning of life. The BD is therefore the authority on life. The BD is not your friend…he is your derogatory-comment-throwing-beer-encyclopedia-expert.

Many thanks to everyone who helped with the beer douche mini-series! It’s been really fun exploring beer-douchism with you all. I sincerely hope you all enjoyed the series. These posts have been some of the most popular on the site. Through talking with you folks and posting your combined thoughts, I hope we all learned a little.

As one final thought, please remember…

There is no known cure for beer-douchism. The best form of protection is prevention. Please try to avoid being the beer-douche.

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You might be a beer douche if… (Volume 3)


Prior Volumes:
* Volume 1
* Volume 2

Introduction
What do we mean by beer-douche? The “BD” is any person (male or female) who turn-off would-be craft beer fans with their attitude and actions. By studying this creature in his/her habitat we hope to learn how to avoid becoming the beer-douche, which will only help in opening up the craft brew world to the masses. Many of us, myself included, carry douchey traits; please do not be offended if one or two of the comments in this series ring true for you. Please do feel offended (and ashamed) if these posts completely describe you.

Trait: Requesting Special Privileges
The natural habitat of a beer douche includes bars and restaurants. We traveled to some establishments to observe the BD in this environment. We also wanted to talk to the staff to get their impressions of the beer-douche. Below are three of our major findings. Note that each behavior suggests that the BD in question presumes that he has special privileges for no apparent reason other than being a beer expert.

1. The BD may approach the wait staff and request a taste of beer simply to see if the tap is fresh. The BD will make it known if said tap is not fresh. Worse than asking for a taste, the BD may plainly request free beer!

2. Should the “proper” glassware not be available, the BD will make a stink. Afterall, to drink a stout out of a pint glass…how rudimentary! Waitstaff are liable to be blamed for uncivilized nature of the glassware.

3. While at one brewpub we observed a BD requesting access to a special casked brew. When awarded a glass, the individual scoffed and asked when the next special brew would be available to try.

Clearly, the beer-douche believes he deserves better service and a better drinking experience than your average bar-goer. On a final note, we should mention that upon being awarded some special privilege, you should not expect the BD to be appreciative. More likely he will continue to discredit the drinking establishment.

There is no known cure for beer-douchism. The best form of protection is prevention. Please try to avoid being the beer-douche. Please tune in next week for Volume 4 of “You might be a beer douche if…”.

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